A lesson on love to myself

by - October 26, 2014

{deep breath}

Hi. My name is Makana. I am a mom of 4, wife of 1 and more often than not I find myself un-loving who I am now. 


It feel really good to put that out there. So many times
I tell others how wonderful and beautiful they are. I try to empower them. To inspire and to listen to the Spirit. More often than not, they just need a voice. They need to really hear what they already knew. Which is this: They are deserving. They are strong. They are smart and kind and irreplaceable. And that is honest to goodness the absolute truth.

With our not-so-recent move, addition of our twin girls, and trying to find my place again as a 35lbs heavier SAHM to a really wonderful man, life has taken a lot out of me. The to-do lists get longer and longer and my drive to be a better me gets dimmer and dimmer. Even writing (which I LOVE), has taken a back-seat. Actually, its not even in the car. Its more like on a train moving with bullet speed away from me. 

Just this week I was told that I am too passive. Now that is a very true statement. I tend to not cause a fuss or speak my opinions etc. I don't know if it is that I am really that passive, I think its more of one of three things: that I either don't care, can't see it making a difference, or I don't want to cause contention. Sadly, most things fall into one of those categories. 

I was also realizing that, despite Luminosity, I feel like my brain is slowly becoming mush. I came across this website, Get Your Girl Back and this article specifically. It brought to mind a few things... how my third grade teacher told me I was lousy at math. That semester in High School when my "friends" spread rumors about me. When my college track coach told me I needed to shed 20lbs. Or the time a boy I had liked and though it was returned told me he thought "he would probably be sick next week".  

Now don't get me wrong, I have had really great moments of sels-esteem boosting. I have had great parents and grandparents. A wonderful support of a few very close friends and of course my McKay. Isn't funny how some labels stick with you though? 

And so, I am taking back me. I want to feel like I have lived my life in a way that my Creator would be proud of. I am going to re-discover my love of writing, reading, photography. Of calling friends and sending birthday cards and..ahem... not complaining and speaking up. Of really loving the life I have and crossing those things off my bucket list. I want my family to love hanging out with me and have really great memories of childhood and of me as a wife and mother and sister and daughter and friend and disciple. 

not all siblings pictured

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